


Wrong

by Naguodog



Series: Dougan [4]
Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Mental Breakdown, Other, Past Kidnapping, Past Sexual Assault, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 00:44:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naguodog/pseuds/Naguodog
Summary: The Sanzo they rescued is not the Sanzo they knew.





	Wrong

**Author's Note:**

> Slides in 2 years late with an update. Will this AU ever have updates that come sooner than every 2 years? No probably not.
> 
> I really don't have anything to say about this except it started out very different. And now there's a full mental break so uh. Keep that in mind. I'm not a mental health professional and I don't know y'all but this is definitely a complete mental breakdown that may be hard to read? Even tho it's not in the POV of the person experiencing the trigger, it is something to keep in mind. 
> 
> And uh. I promise something eventually nice will happen. Maybe. Sort of. This isn't my completely hopeless AU.

It takes several days before they see any sign of their friend in the blank slate of a man they’d brought back from that godforsaken room, and then he seemed to come back all at once, like someone hit a reset button somewhere. All of it is fake. A poorly conceived mask meant to deflect the questions they haven’t stopped asking about whether or not he’s okay. It doesn’t work the way he wants it to - it only stops them from the direct approach.

 

In the weeks that follow Sanzo’s return, they learn to take shifts checking in on him. These usually have to be prefaced by meals, because he forgets to eat most of the time, unless one of them points out that it’s weird. He has yet to be convinced to actually join them downstairs for a meal, paranoid and jumpy in the crowds. 

 

This time it’s Gojyo’s turn, and he gets the duty of bringing Sanzo’s lunch up to his room, simple but nutrient-dense because Hakkai is worried about his weight loss. The knock is a necessary courtesy, with Sanzo’s trigger finger twitchier than ever. He still knows better than to wait for an answer before coming in.

 

“Sanzo-sama, it’s time for lunch.”

 

“Don’t call me that.” Sanzo glares at him from his perch on the windowsill, a spot he hasn’t left for several days. He’s not sure if it really comforts Sanzo, to stare out into the world all day, or if he feels like he has to. That room they found him in didn't have any kind of window, and the thought has occurred to him that maybe Sanzo just wants to see the world. He's not convinced it's as easy as that.

 

“I even used the kanji this time.”

 

“No you didn’t. And you still can’t call me that.”

 

Gojyo ignores the threat in Sanzo’s voice, a hint of something else he can't quite place behind the growling tone. He pulls over the side table, getting Sanzo to move a long since lost cause.  After so many arguments that have gone nowhere, have resulted in him shutting them out even more, Hakkai’s suggested they pick their battles more carefully. Some things are easier to just let Sanzo have his way these days, though it feels wrong to cave like this.

 

“How about this, you eat and I’ll stop calling you that for the whole day.” 

 

“How about this, you stop being such an insufferable asshole.”

 

Gojyo puts Sanzo’s food down on the nightstand, and he’s close enough to feel the coldness in Sanzo’s glare. His tone is harsh to match, lips nearly curling up in a snarl. Gojyo holds his hands up in surrender, knowing better than to pick a fight. Sanzo’s serious this time.

 

“Hey relax, it was just a joke. I’m just teasing. Just trying to cheer you up a little.”

 

Offering an apologetic look, Gojyo drapes an arm on the blond’s shoulders, an innocent gesture, one that was well-practiced between them. It’s nothing different than before, and he expects Sanzo will shake him off like he always does, give him a glare, and move on. It’s the most they’ve gotten from him lately. But the answering growl is not the half-hearted response he suspects.

 

“Don't touch me.”

 

The change in Sanzo is immediate as he throws Gojyo’s arm off of him violently. There’s a wild look in his eyes, and for a moment Gojyo scrambles to figure out what to do. The look in Sanzo’s eyes is more like a terrified beast than the usual distant blond, and Gojyo recalls a conversation Hakkai had had with him and Goku in private not too long ago about handling Sanzo. He tries to remember what was said. Keep calm, that was number one. Then… try to calm Sanzo down. Talk him through it. Ground him. Right? It seemed as good an answer as any. 

 

He reaches out to gently grip Sanzo’s shoulder - a light touch just barely enough for him to feel, a physical tether to bring him back to the real world. 

 

“Hey, Sanzo. Earth to Sanzo. Stay with me.”

 

It becomes quickly apparent that what he’s done is wrong, as Sanzo dissolves into hysterics. His breathing is ragged and fast, and Gojyo can feel his racing pulse through the fabric of Sanzo’s shirt before Sanzo violently retreats. He kicks out, missing Gojyo by a mile, but sending himself toppling off the windowsill in his haste. He doesn’t seem to be aware of where he is or what he’s doing. If they hadn't already taken the bullets from his gun Gojyo’s pretty sure he'd be dead by now, but Sanzo seems to have forgotten it entirely.

 

Avoiding flailing limbs, he reaches out to grab one of Sanzo’s wrists with one hand, trying to keep him from lashing out and hurting himself. He calls Sanzo’s name to get his attention, but it’s no use. Sanzo lets out an angry screech that sounds more like an animal than a human, pulling his wrist free of Gojyo’s hold.

 

“I said, don’t  _ fucking _ touch me!”

 

Before Gojyo can react, Sanzo’s grabbed the nearest chunk of cascading red hair, pulling as hard as he can. Pain radiates from Gojyo’s scalp and he tries to pry the hands away, but they hold fast with a surprising amount of strength. He grabs at whatever he can with both hands, pushing trying to gain better leverage, and Sanzo’s shouts grow louder.

 

“Don’t  _ touch _ me! Don’t  _ fucking _ touch me!” Sanzo pulls on Gojyo’s hair harder, and he starts to feel tears welling in his eyes. Gojyo tries to twist away, but it just tangles Sanzo’s hands in his hair further. Sanzo’s screaming now, repeating the same words as before over and over like a mantra. Nails dig into his scalp, pulling and scratching at every place they can reach, keeping their tight grip in red hair.

 

Gojyo doesn’t realize he’s shouting back until his throat starts to feel raw. He’s not aware of much, just trying to get Sanzo to let go. He doesn’t hear the door opening until he hears another voice shouting above Sanzo’s, delicate hands trying to pull them apart.

 

“Sanzo, please, you need to calm down!” Hakkai’s words don’t seem reach him over all his screaming, the distance in his expression unwavering. He manages to get his hands around one of Sanzo’s wrists, and the blond turns on him, releasing red hair to reach for dark brown. Hakkai lifts his arm just in time to block Sanzo from reaching his eyes, but it doesn’t stop blunt fingernails from digging into the cloth of his shirt, the thin layer of fabric the only barrier keeping him from breaking skin. He tries to hold Sanzo back, careful to keep the blond from getting the upper hand. Sanzo’s screaming lowers to a vicious, primal growl as his voice fails him, and he lashes out at whatever he can get his hands on.

 

“Gojyo, what happened?” 

 

Free of Sanzo’s grasp, Gojyo’s managed to retreat several steps back, running a hand over his scalp to check for bleeding. “I don’t know. Something sent him into a fit, and when I tried to help him he freaked the fuck out.”

 

Hakkai inhales sharply as Sanzo manages to break the skin of his arm, fueled by pure adrenaline. In a quick movement, Hakkai straddles him, holding him in place as he takes hold of both wrists in a tight grip. Sanzo lets out a noise, kicking his legs and pulling at his wrists, struggling to break free.

 

Sanzo is starting to run out of steam, lack of food and sleep catching up, and Hakkai is finally able to overpower him. He seems to realize it too, his relentlesst chorus of protests getting faster and more panicked. Hakkai finally manages to get a solid grip on him, putting his weight down on Sanzo’s legs to keep them in place.

 

“Sanzo.” Hakkai tries one last time to get through to him, but Sanzo’s entire body has gone rigid. He lets out a noise they never expected to hear from him - something between a scream and a pitiful sob, raising the hairs on the back of their necks and chilling their blood before his entire body goes limp, wrists sliding out of Hakkai’s grasp from dead weight alone. His expression blanks out, as if the very soul was taken out of him. He stops fighting, stops responding, and for a minute they think he's stopped  _ breathing _ . But the rise and fall of his chest is steady. He is alive. 

 

They can’t stop the innkeeper from bursting in, hearing the screams and wanting to make sure everything is okay. They can’t stop the crowd of onlookers that’s gathered when they realize there was a commotion. They can’t stop Goku from rushing in after, pushing through the crowd only to stop short once Sanzo comes into view.

 

He lets out a cry, and Hakkai finally climbs off, but Sanzo never moves. He never reacts. In his expression, in his movements, in his presence, they find nothing.


End file.
